Youtube

What I've noticed is that Youtube has this wonderful little feature that says 'watch in high quality'. Ok, sweet, high quality is awesome because it's not all pixels and shit, but let's think about this for a second. Why wouldn't you have something that was in high quality to begin with? It's not like someone is going to see that and say 'Oh, no, I'm going to watch a piss poor version of this clip becaus I don't want to see what their faces ACTUALLY look like.' In an age that is all about crystal clear, high def, no pixels, and wonderfully bright things you'd think they'd remove the button! But no, they're going to give people the choice between 'high quality' and 'shit' because they want to give people "options".


WTF?!

Spiritual Gifts

I'm currently listening to pastor Mark Driscoll's sermon series on spiritual gifts in 1 Cor., and I have to say, they're amazing. Then again, when is one of his sermons not? Anyway, this isn't a blog about him. It's just inspired by him.

While I was listening today, he made a really good point when he said 'Once you're a Christian, the Holy Spirit is in you.' Now, I was raised the pentacostal way which basically says that the only way you can tell if you're baptized with the Holy Spirit is when you start speaking in tongues and you get your prayer language and all that jazz. Not a bad way to be raised, but I just never thought that once you're a Christian and you believe Jesus is Lord, you're baptized in the Holy Spirit! It makes sense too because when God saves you, what convicts you of sin? The Holy Spirit. Even when you're a new Christian, the Holy Spirit convicts you of sin! And you don't even have to speak in tongues!!!! Maybe I'm just weird, but that's exciting to me.

I also never really looked at what my spiritual gift is either. Turns out, it's the gift of knowledge. If you don't know what that is, we are geeks for God. We love books! We have a lot of books! We love to learn and read, and soak up information as though we are sponges! We get excited when we get a new book! OR EVEN BETTER: AN OUT OF PRINT BOOK. Those are the best. As pastor Mark said: "I like big books, and I cannot lie!"

THIS is why I want to be a Librarian. THIS is why I LOVE to read. THIS is why I LOOOOVE books! I long for these things because it's what God has appointed me to do! I finally understand EXACTLY why I want this job.

Can you tell I'm excited by this? If you can't, you must not be reading this right, because this is exciting.
God's got an awesome plan and I'm only seeing the tip of it right now, and you know what? I'm completely happy with that fact.

Friends

Pretty much the coolest thing ever. No joke. Think about it. If we as a society knew nothing of the concept of friends, where would we be? Yeah, we might have less drama in our lives, maybe...but I think the need for anti-depressants would dramatically rise. Friends seem to be the best cure for sadness. Unless, of course, they're in a worse off mood. But guess what! Then YOU'RE the medicine! It's a wonderful cycle, I feel.

I have this one friend who is totally rad. Serioulsy, I love this girl to death. She is beyond amazing and is one of the only people I can truly be myself around. While we have our silly girly moments, we also have serious talks with eachother. I think that's important. To be able to have someone of the same sex you can talk to about anything. Someone whom you trust more than any human. I specify humans because you really should trust God above everything else because, let's face it, He's really in control.

Not to go all weird spirtitual on you guys, but I think it has to freak controllers out. Honestly, they want, nay, need to be in control in every situation; and to hear that God's the one with the master plan and there's nothing we can do about it...oooh, doesn't that just make you laugh to think about all those controllers flipping out?

Anyway, friends. Yes. I have another friend whom I trust as much as the first one I mentioned. They're an awesome person of God and I love that they are willing and wanting to do whatever He has in store for them. It's really quite amazing. The best part is, they're not a superchristian by any means. They're just a normal person with an amazingly sarcastic and witty sense of humour that proves you can be sarcastic and a Christian. It's wonderful.

In my opinion: Superchristian = Superannoying. But hey, that's just me.

Anyway...I think that's all I have for now...yeah. That's it.

Hm.

So I went to work today, just like I normally would, but this time I was excited beyond reason. It wasn't that being at camp was such a bad experience that work suddenly became amazing, but I was just excited about it. Maybe I should clarify what my job is...I'm a Library Page at the Bothell Library. What I do, specifically, is shelve the books and check in the totes of books that come in from the service centre. If you know me at all you know that I want to be a Librarian so this job is enjoyable for me anyway.

The last day of camp when I was walking and talking with someone whom I had only known for about...3 days or so, and we were talking about jobs and the like when he asked me what my job was. So I told him. Then he looks at me and says "That's your calling, isn't it". Completely matter-of-fact as though I had been talking about it for hours, which I hadn't. The thing is, I never saw it as a 'calling'. I always saw it as something that I loved doing. Being around loads of books and taking in the smell of it all is what truly makes me happy.

I didn't really think about what he had said at all, it just seemed like a small comment of no consequence. But when I went to work that was the first thing that popped into my head as soon as I shelved that first book. The rest of the night all I could think about was that comment and how right it was. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I was read like a book. Usually when you hear of someone's 'calling' you think of a missionary type position where you deal with people all day long and never stop dealing with those people. At least, that's what I always thought of it as. I didn't think someone who didn't really like to be around a lot of people and talk with a lot of people, or someone who prefers the solace of books and information would ever have a 'calling' persay. I always thought they, we, just had jobs.

But I was wrong. Very wrong. For the next 5 hours and even still in this moment, I have a calling. It might not be glamorous like some, I might not end up being a millionare overnight, I most likely will not have a corner office with plants and chairs with desks, but I'm fine with that. I would rather have the job I have now where I can be doing what I love where I love being than in a big office making crazy bank and hating every minute of it.

Now, I'm pretty sure if I ended up at the Smithsonian with a wicked Head Research Librarian position making crazy money, I'd be pretty happy with that. I'm just being real.

So for the first time in my life, I know what I'm being called to do.

.

I feel sick
I can't think straight
My focus is shot,
I swear I'm not drunk.
No drugs in my system,
Nothing to make me fall
Even though I feel
As though I'm loosing it all.
My heart is racing
My head is throbbing
Every limb in my body
Feels suddenly numb.
I can't think
I can't eat
I can't drink
I can't sleep.
Just when I thought it was coming together
Piece by piece,
I watched it all crumble again.
The shell is piecing back together again
Soon I'll be numb,
Ignorant to the feelings deep down
Feelings I don't want to know,
Soon, very soon, I won't feel at all.
I can't think straight.
I can't see right
Things seem so imposible
Even in the light.

A few things I've learned.

1-Feeling isn't a bad thing.
Recently, very recently, actually, I've discovered a weird feeling. Feeling nothing. Well, almost nothing. I felt anger, profound sadness, and extreme elation. But other than that, nothing. Even when I was sad or happy, I couldn't express it. I might smile or look solemn, but other than that I simply couldn't express myself. Or at least, I thought I couldn't. I had myself believing that feeling something other than the afformentioned emotions was somehow 'wrong'. I felt sick when I found myself growing closer to someone. I found myself drawing away from people and into myself. Let me let you in on a secret: that's not a good thing. The other day I let someone in. Full on opened myself up to all the disappointment and hurt that can come from a friendship. I'll be honest, it freaked me out. I didn't want to make any new friends, I didn't want to be open to someone else, I didn't want to get hurt, I went against everything I was comfortable with. And you know something? It felt good. It was almost as though God was saying 'I'm going to force you through this because this isn't how I want you to live anymore.' I'm thankful for that because even though that shell that's been around my heart for months is slowly starting to break away. I guess the trick is just to trust it'll be alright.

2-Not every Christian is a 'Super-Christian'
Maybe it's just me, but those ueber-Christians kind of get on my nerves sometimes. They might be super smart theologically, but rarely do I ever meet one who is also down to earth and loves people for who and what they are. I know of three people I would deem to be 'super-Christian' or really close to it. Two of them are the most amazing women of God I've ever known. They make you feel like you're loved whenever you talk to them and just being around them is enough to brighten your mood. Trust me, I've experienced this. They're not perfect, because no one is, but they constantly seek God's will in their lives and set a very, very good example of what living a Christian life should look like. They're people who I want to be like. That's just how awesome they are. Beautiful inside and out.

3-When God says 'go' you gotta go.
This is more difficult than it sounds. But it's true. I'm not a people person, nor do I like missionary stuff, but when God told me to go to the Philippines, I had to go. There wasn't any way around it. That was almost 4 years ago, and it was something I had completely forgotten about. Not Manila, but obeying God. When He tells you to talk to someone, you better darn well do it, because whether you like it or not, you're going to talk to that person. There isn't a way around it. But if you do managet to avoid it, you'll have a sick feeling in your stomach for a while. At least, that's how it is for me. It might be scary to do what God wants, but it's so worth it in the end.


I don't have the answers,
I don't claim to be perfect.
What I know in my heart
Is that one day,
One day I'll come face to face
With my Maker.